The Last Starfighter (1984)

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SPOILER WARNING!!! This post spoils movie The Last Starfighter (1984)

The Last Starfighter is story of Alex Rogan, teen who lives in trailer park and wants something else from his life. He fixes other people stuff and plays Starfighter video game. He wants to go to college somewhere else but he can only afford local college. One night he makes new record in Starfighter. Whole trailer park comes to watch and cheer him like it is a big event. Only his mother doesn’t think it is a big thing. His mother gives him news that he can only afford to go local college. She got news from letter that was delivered to her work because it was so important. Like it is important to deliver message “Sorry kid, you can only go to local college” as soon as possible.

This movie gives a hopeless picture of trailer parks. Only one working seems to be the mother who works long days. She leaves at morning and comes at night. I am not sure if Alex gets any money of what he fixes in trailer park. The old black man could be handy man and get some money. Other just seem to be there and spend their time. There also seem to be no future. Alex can’t get to better college. Based on Alex’s reactions going to local college would mean that he is stucked in trailer park. His girlfriend doesn’t want to leave her grand mon. Others doesn’t seem to have any dreams beyond trailer park. They have accepted their place in life and don’t want anything better. For them it is great even if kid from trailer park get new high score in video game.

Only mother seem to have some ambitions. She is only one working and only one who doesn’t think new high score in video game is big deal. In video game that his son spends all his free time instead of doing something that could help him to improve his situation. She even don’t like his son’s relationship because she sees that it will hold his son in trailer park.

Lucky for Alex that Starfighter video game was actually recruiting test for alien starfighters. It was mistakenly placed inside trailer park. Without this mistake Alex would have stucked inside trailer park spending all his time and money to other video game. Without that movie would have told sad story how kids dreams are crushed. In the end Alex’s brother start to play Starfighter video game because it is the only way out of trailer park and better life. Others are still stucked in trailer park.

There is also this space war plot but most interesting stuff happens in earth when Beta Unit acting Alex tries to figure out how humans interact with each others. Space war plot is not that boring when Alex doesn’t want to be part of elite starfighter squad whose motto is “victory or death”. Or when Alex tells his pilot how he lives in moving cave that they don’t move and realizes what awaits him at earth. That almost gives him fighting spirit. After he and his pilot are attacked he realizes that if he fights he have change to become hero or die. Both being better that what waits at home.

This is an entertaining movie. Not because it is so bad that it is entertaining. This is well written movie which doesn’t take itself too seriously.  That keeps this entertaining. Space war plot is given only the minimum time it needed. It is good choise because it is worst part of the movie. It is on basic video games back story level. It tells something about good guys and show bad guys as evil. Then it sends our heroes alone against enemy fleet. If they fail all hope is lost.

It is strange that Starfighter video game were never released. Movie didn’t get sequel. There was little set up for sequel. I think it is better that sequel never came. Alex got away from trailer park which was big point of this movie. All that was left was aliens and space war which were worst parts of this movie.

Starcrash (1978)

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SPOILER WARNING!!! This post spoils movie Starcrash (1978).

Starcrash is cult movie among bad movie fans. Some say even it is worse that Zardoz. Zardoz is quite good so to me that doesn’t tell much. Starcrash is low-budget italian scifi movie. Low budget means bad visual effects. I won’t rant about those, because I don’t want to take cheap shots on low-budget movies. I make one exception to that. I really hated how spaceships run on rails few metres from each other. If first one does something unexpected everyone behind it will crash to it. This was not about money. It was just stupid chose.

This movie has two release dates on internet. I trust IMDB and go with 1978. Other year was 1979. The release year is important because this movie have some scenes that are redone in Empire Strikes Back (1980). Or did great minds think so much alike that it is just coincidence. To be honest this is total rip of from Star Wars with recreated shots and lightsabres. Only reason why this movie was made was that Star Wars made so much money. Most reviews mention how Starcrash goes to ice planet before Empire Strikes Back. I don’t remember that anyone has mentioned these rest similarities.

Remember how C-3PO told Han survival estimates when they escaped from Hoth? Starcrash had that scene when Akton tells Stella Star survival estimates when Stella does something dangerous during escape. Remember how Darth Vader reflects laser when Han shoots him in Cloud City? Starcrash had that scene when Akton reflects Thors laser. Remember how Ewoks capture Han, Luke and others and carry them to their village. Starcrash have similar scene when cavemen take Stella Star to their village. You can find other similarities from Star Wars movie that came after Starcrash but those are bit far-fetched.  Easy to guess that Star Wars did all these better than Starcrash. I won’t go what Starcrash ripped of from Star Wars. It did that more that Star Wars did otherwise.

Starcrash also copies from other movies too. Judge is from Invaders From Mars. Superweapon effects could be from Barbarella and some sets and costumes are influenced by Barbarella. Superweapon is brings Forbidden Planet to mind. Huge robot is from Jason and the Argonauts. Most entertaining part of watching this movie is trying to guess which movies Starcrash has copied.

“Imperial Battleship, halt the flow of time!” That is actual line in this movie. This movie has strange time. Our heroes move from planet to planet in less than hour and can escape from planet side weapon in less that three minutes. They don’t even have to run. There is no panic even when planet side weapon is about to explode in 48 seconds and they are still inside. Evil guy uses term “by sunset” in space. In his spaceship. They go from planet to planet in less than hour. I don’t understand which sunset he could refer. Every planet has sunset all the time. What time it is depends on where you are.

This is not that bad movie. Big thanks to that goes John Barry and his score. That is best part of the movie. Christopher Plummer could have been great in this movie if his dialog wasn’t such nonsense. His scenes are best in this movie. Caroline Munro is hot. Addition to that we have two larger than life personalities David Hasselhoff and Marjoe Gortner who does not impress by acting but their personalities always bring something. That something may make movie worse but it is something. I guess all of you know the Hoff. If you don’t know who Marjoe Gortner is, I suggest you watch document Marjoe. And watch it before you watch this. It makes this movie better. Or more entertaining at least.

I left most of the stupidity out of this post. I recommend watching this movie and seeing it yourself. This is not cult movie among bad movie fans for nothing.

Zardoz (1974)

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SPOILER WARNING!!! This post spoils movie Zardoz (1974).

Yes. This is the one where Sean Connery runs around in red underpants and long leather boots. Yes. This movie has overdose of art movie esthetics. Yes. I could write whole post how bad this movie is. And no, I won’t do that because I like this movie. Behind all that weirdness is interesting story. You have to pay attention to see it.

Movie happens in year 2293. Mankind has divided into two fractions: Eternals and Brutals. Eternals are former upper class and intellectual who moved to live vortexes away from rest of the humans. Movie does not make it sure why they did that. Running out of resources and overpopulation are hinted. Rest of the humanity have regressed into Brutals. It is not explained why rest of the humanity regressed into Brutals. One possibility is that one of the Eternals, Arthur,  has made them kill each others. This would point to overpopulation.

Arthur has large flying stone head called Zardoz. Zardoz gives guns and ammo to his chosen people Exterminators and urges them to kill others. With guns and ammo Exterminators rule world outside vortexes. This is all we know about world outside vortex because this movie is not about Brutals.

The scientist in vortex invent secret of eternal life. Because they can’t die anymore they become Eternals. Scientists want that humans knowledge is not lost and destroy plans of Tabernacle which gives them eternal life. They don’t want anyone turning Vortex off when they get bored with eternal life. But that will eventually happen. One reason for boredom might be that life in Vortex is some sort of hippie utopia. They aim for absolute equality. Everything is voted. Everyone’s mind is connected to others minds and bad thoughts are forbidden. Penalty for crimes is ageing. Renegades have become old and senile. Others who can’t stand living in Vortex have become apathetics. Apathetics just stand and look ahead. All Eternals are becoming apathetics or senile renegades. Some slower and some faster.

There are so many renegades and apathetics among Eternals that they have to make Brutals grow their food. One of the Exterminators, Zed, feels his god Zardoz has betrayed Exterminators by making them farm food. He was led to library where he finds The Wizard of Oz books. It hints that Zardoz is just large stone head made for fooling them. He hides inside Zardoz and flies to Vorted to get his revenge. When he gets there he will give death to Eternals who are looking for it.

This is what movie is about if you take away all the artsy weirdness. As I said earlier I like this movie. I like how this movie lets you figure out what it is about. There is always something new to be found. If you don’t pay attention you will miss the point of the movie and you feel that this is one of the worst movies ever made. To be honest this is too much of a art movie for its own good. It worth seeing even after I have spoiled you like this. There is so much more in Zardoz than this.

Priest (2011)

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SPOILER WARNING!!! This post spoils movie Priest (2011)

There have always been vampires and humans have always fought against them. This war has turned world into waste land. Human live in cities at protection of church and city walls. Church found new weapon in war. Priests – new warriors that can fight better against vampires than normal people could. Priests turn the tide of war and vampires are slain. Remaining vampires are locked in reservations. Priests are disbanded and integrated into society that no longer need them. Cities are like dystopian nightmare. Pollution clouds don’t let sun light to cities. Everything is covered in black dust. Loud speaker send brainwashing messages. “To go against church is to go against god.” There are confession booths where users confess to computer programs and everything is automated.

This was must see movie for me from the first time I heard about it. I wish they spent more time in city and showed more about this world. This world is forgotten when Priest goes out of city gates. After that we only hear how badly church have treated the priests after they won the war. Church want to keep everyone in city obedient and trusting churches ability to keep them safe. They don’t want to study vampire attacks because that might make people question the safety church can offer. Even when they got evidence of vampires, they tell that there are no vampires outside reservations. I wonder why they want to say there are no dangerous vampires outside city gates, if they want to keep people inside city gates. Saying there are vampires would  be more effective. You would think people want to leave such oppressive and polluted place if it is safe outside. It may have something to do that it is wasteland outside city.

Vampires in this movie are totally different species. They don’t come from infection. They are born from queen vampire. They are faster and stronger than humans. They don’t have eyes. It is not told how they see the world around them. They infect humans to be familiars. One former priest have become first human vampires. He seems to have idea to turn humans into human vampires. I am not sure if vampires have same ideas. He is only human vampire after all. Vampires have destroyed town on their way to city, but they have not turned other humans into vampires. Familiars tell Priest that vampires have great plans. I am not sure if attacking the city was that plan. I think that plan was saved for sequels which probably never comes because this movie did so badly in box office.

I am not sure if I want to see sequel. World of the movie had potential and stage is set for good movie. But this movie didn’t use world as it should have. There was too little interaction between Priest and church. Same goes with interaction with Priest and other priests. He meets only one of them and she is in love with Priest. Sequel could show us more how church reacts when priests have left the church and what high-ranking church members who don’t agree what church is doing going to do now when it is shown that churches way is not only way. I fear that if sequels is ever made it is a group of priests fighting vampires and there is very little anything else.

Gabriel (2007)

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SPOILER WARNING!!! This post spoils movie Gabriel (2007)

Heaven and hell have game where they send seven archangels and seven fallen angels to city in purgatory. They are sent one by one and they take human form when they go. Goal is to kill all members of other team. There is always night in the city and most of the times it rains. Everything is decayed and dirty. Gabriel is seventh archangel to come to city. All six before him has been defeated or given up and gone hiding. Team fallen angels is leading. Archangels and fallen angels are not quite what you expect. There is no religious message here. Archangels and Fallen angels are both top fighters. Both sides don’t hesitate to kill. Only difference is that Archangels want to help others and fallen angels take advantages of others. Not all archangels help others. Some of them has lost their will and become alcoholics or prostitutes working for fallen angels because they can’t take being humans in the city.

Gabriel seeks other archangels. All of them have given up and try to hide from fallen angels. Gabriel tries to get them back into fight but only thing he does is showing their locations to fallen angels. Gabriel kills fallen angels one by one. When fallen angels found locations of archangels they kill them. When Gabriel found out that fallen angels have killed all other archangels he loses his mind and goes after them without hesitating killing everyone that stand in his way. Gabriel goes after leader of fallen angels after he has killed others. Then we find that he is actually archangel Michael. Didn’t we have game where you had to kill other team to win. Now there are only two archangels left so shouldn’t team archangels be the winners?

Unfortunately movie newer shows how victory is reclaimed. This would be important to know motivations of Michael. He doesn’t seem to want the game end. He want to be free from heaven and hell. He changed sides because of that and now fights for his freedom. His freedom will end when game ends. Killing hiding archangels don’t make much sense if your goal is to keep the game going on. It just brings game closer to end. Those archangels had given up the fight. They were no threat to him. Fallen angels knew who he was. This arrangement was ok for them. If victory needs to be reclaimed why he didn’t kill Gabriel earlier. He wanted to Gabriel to join him. Why not talk to Gabriel earlier when other archangels were alive. He could continued to keep game on even if he had to kill Gabriel then because team archangels would have members left.

In the end Michael strikes pipe through Gabriel’s chest, almost killing him. If Michael would have killed Gabriel which side would have won? Gabriel doesn’t die. He hugs Michael so that pipe impale Michael too. When they both are dying Michael heals Gabriel. Gabriel want to understand why Michael changed side and why others ended up like they ended up. I don’t understand how jumping off tall building to his death will help the understanding. For some reason that brings first rays of sunlight to city. I guess game has ended. Movie ended if nothing else ended.